After the Seven – Idiot

Lonetrek region – Okela constellation
Tsuguwa system – Planet VI
Caldari Navy Assembly Plant Station

8 December YC 126

Three days after the rescue mission Purkkoken Honuken invited me to his office.

“Mate, you have no idea how lucky we are,” said Purkkoken by way of greeting.

“I actually do – for one thing, we are still here,” I replied taking a seat.

“I didn’t mean it in a philosophic sense. Listen, when The Seven kidnapped the passengers from that unfortunate convoy, they got more than they bargained for. One of the prisoners turned out to be a brilliant cyber security analyst who managed to hack into their ship operating system. She wasn’t able to take control of it but she got access to their communications log.”

I thought I knew which lady the agent was talking about, and nodded, “Go on.”

Purkkoken continued, “What she found out was that one of the Seven’s core members, a man called Phenod, had managed to strand himself in space on his way to pick up other victims that were kidnaped some time ago. I thought that you’d be interested to see this investigation through, so I offer you the next mission.”

“What’s the objective?”

“Go to these coordinates in Ekura, blast the blasted Phenod to pieces and bring me a sample of his DNA.”

“Why do you need his DNA?” I wondered, “Isn’t my camera footage insufficient to confirm the kill?”

“No, you don’t understand! We’ll use his DNA to forge an identification transponder.”

“And then what?”

“I’ll tell you later,” said the agent, “Are you taking the mission?”

“What’s he flying?”

“Some kind of destroyer, I understand.”

“Ooh,” I perked up, “things are finally getting interesting. I’m a bit tired of slaughtering helpless pirate frigates, so I am glad you have found a challenge for me. Send me the the coordinates.”


Lonetrek region – Okela constellation
Ekura system – Mission location

The coordinates given to me by Purkkoken led us to a small group of excavated asteroids. Having been depleted of valuable ore, they were of no interest to anyone and represented a perfect hideout or meeting place for pirates. My overview showed only one hostile ship – it was a Catalyst piloted by Phenod. As I started moving into 45-km orbit around the pirate, I got an incoming connection from him. An angular face with sharp cheekbones appeared on my screen.

Phenod
Phenod

“Back off, man!” Phenod hissed menacingly, “You are no match for my custom rig, even with how messed up it is. Either way, you’d better run before Mona – I mean Surenna – gets here. She’ll blast you!”

“Nice to meet you too, Mr Phenod,” I said, unperturbed by the threat, and continued conversationally, “I have to say that your greeting has raised a few interesting questions. For one thing, if your rig is so cool, why do you want me to back off?”

“I don’t want to waste my time and ammo on you. You have no business here. Scat!”

“And you, let me guess, do have business here with someone called Mona. Or was it Surenna?”

“Surenna,” Aura confirmed helpfully.

I made a sad face, “Oh, I am so sorry. If I knew it was a lady I would never have raised my hand, or rather pointed a gun at her.”

“Wouldn’t you?” Aura raised a brow, smiling sarcastically.

“Of course, not. I am a gentleman!” I said with mock indignation.

“What are you two babbling about?” Phenod interjected angrily.

I turned to the pirate, “Why, about Surenna. I regret to inform you that your rendezvous with the aforementioned lady has been cancelled. Last time I saw her, she said she would rather die than disclose your location. Since the lady insisted, I had to oblige.”

Phenod’s face turned dark red, “You will pay for this, egger! Come here, and I’ll shred your pathetic clone to million pieces!”

I looked confused, “Come where? I am already here.”

“Into the firing range, you coward!”

Aura looked at me and mouthed the word ‘blasters’.

I nodded to her and said to Phenod, “I may be a coward but I am not an idiot. And, unlike you, I am in the firing range.”

With that, I targeted the Catalyst and fired all seven railguns at it. Phenod, flying a crippled ship fitted with blasters, stood no chance and never landed a single hit on me. Still, a destroyer is not a frigate, and it took me 10 full volleys to finish it off. When the fight was over, I moved within a looting distance of the remains.

“That was… underwhelming,” I muttered. Then I scanned the wreck and emitted an involuntary groan, “Oh no, I can’t believe it!”

“What’s wrong?” asked Aura.

I pointed at the screen which showed that the wreck had no lootable items, “Please, don’t tell me I have to go there and extract a DNA sample myself,” I winced queasily, “Look at the cockpit – it’s a bloody mess!”

“Well, as you wish, I won’t say it. However, I am not as squeamish, and if I had a body, like Paragon’s IRIS, I could go there myself.”

I shook my head, “Trust me, if you had a body, you wouldn’t.”

Then I went through the motions of getting out of the capsule, washing off the pod goo and donning an EVA suit. I exited the ship through an airlock and used a jetpack to fly to the swirling cloud of debris which was all that was left from the Catalyst. Usually, a pilot’s corpse remained within the wreck and was available for looting by a tractor beam. Unfortunately for me, one of the iron charges hit Phenod’s body directly and now his remains were all over the place, mixed with metal, glass and plastic scraps.

When I shared my observations with Aura, she just shrugged and said, “What’s the problem? You, humans, have DNA everywhere. Just pick any part of his body – a hand, a leg – and bring it to the agent.”

I felt a lump in the throat and swallowed hard to avoid spraying the visor with the remains of my breakfast.

“That’s not helpful!” I complained, “Purkkoken gave me just this small sample collection bag. A hand will not fit there.”

“Then take a small body part, or a part of a body part,” was Aura’s reply.

I looked around and noticed a globule of reddish liquid floating near the wreck.

“This looks like blood. Do you think it will do? Is it big enough?” I asked.

“Of course, it will. Each white blood cell contains a DNA and there are hundreds of thousands of them in that drop.”

I opened the bag and carefully moved its edges around the sphere until the sample was deep inside the bag. Then I brought the edges together and sealed them. Relieved that I didn’t have to go inside the rubble and untangle Phenod’s corpse from the Catalyst’s wreck, I returned to Merimetso.

As we were warping back to the station, I said to Aura, “Next time we have this kind of mission, remind to bring a forensic pathologist with us.”

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